Independence

In the past three years of high school, I was straight up a workaholic - studying and doing whatever I had to accomplish in solitude. I grew fairly independent and always tried my best to figure out everything on my own because I wanted to first see if my nearby resources would provide a solution for me without needing to pester someone else about it. Over time, that became much of a routine to me, but I didn't feel too stressed by it. 

I was always working alone, having friends to rely on but not genuinely depending on. In turn, this probably made people feel insignificant since I ended up rarely approaching them. As the years went on by, not all my friends stuck around, but I also do recognize and appreciate the ones that did, even if they dealt with the bratty version of me back in freshman year. 

One of my significant, but not great, memories of high school was when I had a major clash of events all piled up in one weekend: Orchestra State Festival, Synchro States, and DECA States. Long story short, I missed the orchestra festival and had to make it up by writing a lovely research paper on Jean Sibelius. I attended the other two events, but to my wonderful luck, I slipped on the wet locker room floor before we left for Synchro States. While there's more to that fun story, I ended up just bawling on the bus ride because of how tired and stressed I was, which was actually the first time I experienced that sensation. 

People around me are always stressed, and I knew that many people break down because of it, but I never experienced that for myself until then. I bottled up all my emotions just to get over that one weekend, and they burst before I could willingly release them. Truth is, I probably never would've found the right time to. I probably would've crashed on my bed the moment I got home but then carry on with my days, as usual, ignoring all things that happened to me.

From this, I realized what my limits were and when were the right times to push them or not. In this state of isolation we've been in for a while, it's definitely never felt lonelier for everyone. But at the same time, I've relied on my friends more for help and comfort this year in school and life than I ever have. 

Loneliness is a horrible feeling; it's a cycle of feeling sad and stressed because of how we often get the feeling that we're the only ones in this kind of situation with no one to lean on, forcing us to be independent when we don't want to. While I have had an increasing amount of stressful situations followed by tears of frustration this year, I'm grateful I had people beside me that I possibly wouldn't have been able to talk to so easily if it weren't for my realization of the reality of being too independent. 

There's a good medium between being independent and dependent, and I'm glad to have chosen long talks and fun conversations to wander off to with others over having a one-on-one stare down with textbooks up in my room.